If God truly never gives us more than we can handle, then why do I feel as though I rewashed my breaking point?
Over the past few days I feel that I've list a lot of hope. I've done so much crying. I've done so much praying. I've tried so hard.
So why does it feel as though I'm still struggling? Why can't I be happy?
What's worse is it's effecting everything. I feel as though I've lost control.
Things are so hard.
I was so excited because my testing and interviews at CAT went wonderful. I thought I had it in the bag.
Boy was I wrong.
Got emails saying I wasn't selected.
I'm so sick of being without a job. I feel so worthless and like a failure because of it. Not too mention depressed.
I can't help support Dan or myself. I'm constantly stuck inside all the time and sometimes I even forget what fresh air actually is.
I'm scared that Dan is going to eventually get mad and worn out. I don't this to be something to jeopardize our relationship. I can't help but be scared.
I'm just so depressed. I honestly don't know what to do. I hate this town and lack of opportunities that come along with it.
I just wish I could be happy.
I really hope my interview goes well on Friday. Given it's at 730am, but I'll manage.
I need something to do. I'm absolutely bored to death with my life right now.
That isn't aimed at anyone. It's just my own personal battle. I feel like I'm worthless and unneeded. I mean, I barely supply or support my fiancee and I.
I'm not one to like everything handed to me. Never really have, so depending on him for money/bills makes me feel terrible.
Just thought if I had this job already I wouldn't be so bored. Mauve it's actually not gonna be THAT great, but it'd be better than nothing.
I guess this is just me venting about being alone almost every night. It's pretty dang boring.
I miss being a teenager. I miss staying out late with my guys. I miss having fun all the time during the summer.
Being an adult really just isn't fun anymore.
Just thought I would share with everyone as to why I've been excited about tomorrow (the 22nd).
I have testing out at Cat! I'm hoping I get this! It would be such a blessing
I'm just asking for support. Basically for prayers/thoughts. Our situation is a lil bad financially right now, so this would be the biggest help.
I plan on keeping everyone updated on the situation.
I know a lot of people are probably thinking "What about your health issues?"
Well.. It's something I plan on pushing through. I have confidence and faith that, regardless of the situation, I can work through anything I set my mind too.
Just feel EXTREMELY blessed to have people that support me!
This isn't going to be very long because I'm not in the mood to really even communicate with anyone right now.
Every decision I make, regardless of the situation, always seems to disappoint everyone. I've played the role of "Dr. Phil" to a lot of people and then they turn around and shoot my advice down.
This is plain and simple. If you don't like my advice and you know you are going to instantly shoot me down, then don't ask.
I'm sick of it. When I need help or advice, it's like pulling teeth to get someone to listen or help.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still here when someone needs me. I'm not shooting everyone down. I'm just saying if you don't want my opinion or honesty in general, then don't ask.
Insomnia. Again. The only difference between now and ashby other time? My mind.
My thoughts are RACING like crazy. My brain just won't shut off.
Lately, my job hasn't been the best to me. I've said this numerous times, and I really do mean it : I'm blessed to have a job. I really am, considering my old employer closed down about 4 months after I left.
I could be like 300+ of my ex coworkers and not have anything but a small unemployment check to live off of. I could be in a worse spot than I am now.
The thing is, I'm stressed. I never thought I would be somewhere that could make me feel this low about myself.
I can't help it that I'm diabetic. I can't help that I was in the ER 3 times in 1 week, and 1 of those times staying the night. I've had numerous doctor visits because of certain things, and they still don't know what's wrong with me. This THEN entails MORE doctor visits and MORE missed work.
I have been told BEFORE I had no chance of being full time because of "financial" issues. I start to miss work, but followed all protocol. Doctors notes faxed and brought in, prescheduled appointments, requested time off, called my bosses numerous times a day, etc. I have too much respect than to no call no show or miss for the hell of it.
Now I'm being told I could be full time (35 hrs/week, salaried, commission), but I'm not reliable.
Ok.. FIRST! I didn't start missing until recently. There were plenty of times I had asked for a guess as to when this may happen for me. There were tons of times we had these discussions to where I was even pulled off into a desperate room and evaluated. I was even told you WISHED I could be full time because I was learning fast and had wonderful potential!
Now I'm being told it was available to me, but because I can't get my stupid health under control I'm at fault. I've also been told that I'm losing my "potential" because I'm not as "firm".
There's a difference between what I do now and my old job. I did customer service for over 3 years. This "pushy", "demanding" setting is HARD for me. I can't help it. I know people lie to me.all the time at work. Everyone has their own excuse. I just can't deal with it.
I love the people I work with. I've been able to make some new friends and learn new things.
I used to even be able to talk to the owners like nothing, but they have been kind of stand off-ish. I realize it's because of the above situation.
I take full responsibility for all that has happened. I understand my health has been an issue that I could've done certain things to minimize my problems. I'm an adult, and I know every mistake you do learn from. Life with a job/career isn't a joke.
I just want compassion. I want to know that people see that I'm trying. That I'm a human and I'm not perfect. I try way too hard to please everyone.
Really... I can't deal with this stress anymore. I thought my last job was bad... I feel worse about myself with this.
Maybe it's because I know everything is my own fault. Maybe I realize now that I screwed up.
All I can do is pray. Pray that either this will work itself out, or something better will come along.
I'm grateful that I have people to support me. Especially my fiancee. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be able to cope anymore. He's done a wonderful job at drying my tears and making my smile.
This truly is a rant. It's emotional for me to discuss or even think about. It may seem like rambling to you reading this, but there really are deeper, strong feelings to this. I'm going to end here, but, please, feel free to comment with your opinions.
This won't be a long one, but figured I would do some GOOD ranting!
I know I've said this before, but I absolutely love me friends! They listen, make me laugh, and are the siblings I've never had!
I honestly believe that I wouldn't get through life without my close friends. And the AWESOME part about ALL of them is, even though we started out hanging in different "groups", I can get EVERYONE together, and they get along!
That isn't even the best part.. They ALL get along with my fiancee! It's such a blessing.
I've always wanted to find someone like him. Someone that gets along with all of my friends and that my parents like. I never thought that it would be this wonderful.
So.. Like I said, good rant, and short at that, but I wanted to brag a lil about the good in my life!
I love my friends. I never even really call them "friends" anymore because they ARE my family! I consider myself blessed EVERY day for those that are in my life. Some I've known for over 14 years, and some are more recent, but I absolutely love them all, and I know we would all do anything for each other in heartbeat, regardless of the situation.
You all know EXACTLY who you are. I don't feel a need to go name-by-name because I've expressed to all of you how much you mean to me in person, via text, or even fb.
Love you guys! <3
