Nothing Fun in this Town

I really hope my interview goes well on Friday. Given it's at 730am, but I'll manage.

I need something to do. I'm absolutely bored to death with my life right now.

That isn't aimed at anyone. It's just my own personal battle. I feel like I'm worthless and unneeded. I mean, I barely supply or support my fiancee and I.

I'm not one to like everything handed to me. Never really have, so depending on him for money/bills makes me feel terrible.

Just thought if I had this job already I wouldn't be so bored. Mauve it's actually not gonna be THAT great, but it'd be better than nothing.

I guess this is just me venting about being alone almost every night. It's pretty dang boring.

I miss being a teenager. I miss staying out late with my guys. I miss having fun all the time during the summer.

Being an adult really just isn't fun anymore.

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Yay!

Just thought I would share with everyone as to why I've been excited about tomorrow (the 22nd).

I have testing out at Cat! I'm hoping I get this! It would be such a blessing

I'm just asking for support. Basically for prayers/thoughts. Our situation is a lil bad financially right now, so this would be the biggest help.

I plan on keeping everyone updated on the situation.

I know a lot of people are probably thinking "What about your health issues?"

Well.. It's something I plan on pushing through. I have confidence and faith that, regardless of the situation, I can work through anything I set my mind too.

Just feel EXTREMELY blessed to have people that support me!

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Fairytales Don't Happen

This isn't going to be very long because I'm not in the mood to really even communicate with anyone right now.

Every decision I make, regardless of the situation, always seems to disappoint everyone. I've played the role of "Dr. Phil" to a lot of people and then they turn around and shoot my advice down.

This is plain and simple. If you don't like my advice and you know you are going to instantly shoot me down, then don't ask.

I'm sick of it. When I need help or advice, it's like pulling teeth to get someone to listen or help.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still here when someone needs me. I'm not shooting everyone down. I'm just saying if you don't want my opinion or honesty in general, then don't ask.

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Decisions... (my racing mind)

Insomnia. Again. The only difference between now and ashby other time? My mind.

My thoughts are RACING like crazy. My brain just won't shut off.

Lately, my job hasn't been the best to me. I've said this numerous times, and I really do mean it : I'm blessed to have a job. I really am, considering my old employer closed down about 4 months after I left.

I could be like 300+ of my ex coworkers and not have anything but a small unemployment check to live off of. I could be in a worse spot than I am now.

The thing is, I'm stressed. I never thought I would be somewhere that could make me feel this low about myself.

I can't help it that I'm diabetic. I can't help that I was in the ER 3 times in 1 week, and 1 of those times staying the night. I've had numerous doctor visits because of certain things, and they still don't know what's wrong with me. This THEN entails MORE doctor visits and MORE missed work.

I have been told BEFORE I had no chance of being full time because of "financial" issues. I start to miss work, but followed all protocol. Doctors notes faxed and brought in, prescheduled appointments, requested time off, called my bosses numerous times a day, etc. I have too much respect than to no call no show or miss for the hell of it.

Now I'm being told I could be full time (35 hrs/week, salaried, commission), but I'm not reliable.

Ok.. FIRST! I didn't start missing until recently. There were plenty of times I had asked for a guess as to when this may happen for me. There were tons of times we had these discussions to where I was even pulled off into a desperate room and evaluated. I was even told you WISHED I could be full time because I was learning fast and had wonderful potential!

Now I'm being told it was available to me, but because I can't get my stupid health under control I'm at fault. I've also been told that I'm losing my "potential" because I'm not as "firm".

There's a difference between what I do now and my old job. I did customer service for over 3 years. This "pushy", "demanding" setting is HARD for me. I can't help it. I know people lie to me.all the time at work. Everyone has their own excuse. I just can't deal with it.

I love the people I work with. I've been able to make some new friends and learn new things.

I used to even be able to talk to the owners like nothing, but they have been kind of stand off-ish. I realize it's because of the above situation.

I take full responsibility for all that has happened. I understand my health has been an issue that I could've done certain things to minimize my problems. I'm an adult, and I know every mistake you do learn from. Life with a job/career isn't a joke.

I just want compassion. I want to know that people see that I'm trying. That I'm a human and I'm not perfect. I try way too hard to please everyone.

Really... I can't deal with this stress anymore. I thought my last job was bad... I feel worse about myself with this.

Maybe it's because I know everything is my own fault. Maybe I realize now that I screwed up.

All I can do is pray. Pray that either this will work itself out, or something better will come along.

I'm grateful that I have people to support me. Especially my fiancee. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be able to cope anymore. He's done a wonderful job at drying my tears and making my smile.

This truly is a rant. It's emotional for me to discuss or even think about. It may seem like rambling to you reading this, but there really are deeper, strong feelings to this. I'm going to end here, but, please, feel free to comment with your opinions.

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Friends!

This won't be a long one, but figured I would do some GOOD ranting!

I know I've said this before, but I absolutely love me friends! They listen, make me laugh, and are the siblings I've never had!

I honestly believe that I wouldn't get through life without my close friends. And the AWESOME part about ALL of them is, even though we started out hanging in different "groups", I can get EVERYONE together, and they get along!

That isn't even the best part.. They ALL get along with my fiancee! It's such a blessing.

I've always wanted to find someone like him. Someone that gets along with all of my friends and that my parents like. I never thought that it would be this wonderful.

So.. Like I said, good rant, and short at that, but I wanted to brag a lil about the good in my life!

I love my friends. I never even really call them "friends" anymore because they ARE my family! I consider myself blessed EVERY day for those that are in my life. Some I've known for over 14 years, and some are more recent, but I absolutely love them all, and I know we would all do anything for each other in heartbeat, regardless of the situation.

You all know EXACTLY who you are. I don't feel a need to go name-by-name because I've expressed to all of you how much you mean to me in person, via text, or even fb.

Love you guys! <3

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Just because

Now, again I haven't done a blog in a while, but I haven't really been wanting another "stocker" incident, but I've decided I can't let one person ruin what I feel like doing.

All my life I've done anything and everything to keep others happy, regardless of my feelings. This is how I was raised. It goes along with the Bible. "Treat Others How You Want To Be Treated."

What happens when that no longer works?

I'm now 24, so this is going back a few years. In high school, I was constantly made fun of, labeled as an outcast. As a matter of fact, this is extremely hard for me to talk about.

I never understood why people could be so hateful.

In '06, which was my senior year, I FINALLY was pushed to my breaking point. I never actually "snapped", but I quit being quiet. I started "speaking my mind" to those that messed with me.

It was wonderful getting these thoughts off my chest! It was a wonderful freedom that I hadn't felt before! I realized I was missing out when I was being the quiet kid.

Now, here we are 6 years later, and I feel as though in not allowed to speak my mind anymore. Again, I'm 24. Last time I checked, I am an adult. I thought a "right of passage" into adulthood was the allowance of making your own choices.

I understand that some people will never agree with our decisions of being an adult. No one will ever be considered perfect to everyone. That's a given.

The question still stumps me : What do you do when you abide by everything you were taught as a child and read in the Bible, and people still treat you as though you're a verbal punching bag and have zero feelings?

I KNOW I'm not the only one thats ever had this happen. What do you, the readers, do in these situations?

If your are anything at all like me, there's only so much ignoring and smiling you can do before you break.

I hate hiding feelings. I've never been a fan of that. I can still sit in front of a crowded room, bite my tongue, and pretend things don't phase me, but I AM human! I have feelings, and I break emotionally as much as the next person.

I don't understand why people are so petty, uncaring of other people's feelings, or even so heartless.

How can people be so unhappy that they must destroy the business of others?

I guess I'll never understand these things. Maybe it's another test from God. Maybe it's just something that's supposed to happen to make us stronger people.

All I know is I feel I have a right and a privilege to deal with these things the best that I know how. Given, the hot-headedness I displayed my senior year is NOT how I choose to deal with these things anymore. I have respect for others and know that it's an irresponsible way to deal with frustrations.

From now on, though, I'm going to do things the best I know how. Thats to make jokes out of the situations. Be sarcastic, but not acknowledge the certain people or specific details of the situations.

All I can say is, I'm sorry if you don't like how I handle it. I don't want to lose friends over it. That wouldn't ever be an intention of mine, but again, I think we've all done things that people disagree with. We all make mistakes, but the one thing we ALL have in common is the fact that we LEARN from our mistakes. They make us stronger. They show that we have the ability to overcome struggles. They make us HUMAN.

Well, I will leave this one at this point. Just remember, we're all human, and we all deal with our problems/mistakes in different ways.

Thanks for reading!

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My lovely life

Haven't blogged in a while. Guess I haven't had the time and because I've been sick.

I had a doctor appointment today and found out what's wrong FINALLY! I still have EBV, which is the virus that causes mono. I've had it for about 2 months, maybe a lil longer. I never got the chance to rest for it to get out of my system. I also got told that my back/side pain is more than likely costochondritis, which is swelling of the cartilage that connects the ribs to the spine and the sternum.

I got a shot of vitamin b in my hip and told to take a vitamin b supplement. Apparently I should take prenatals because of the high vitamin b content. I guess at least I may have a chance to get pretty hair and nails!

I'm also pulled from work until Monday, which gives me 4 days to rest. I don't have anything planned today, but Friday and Saturday are a lil booked. It'll be ok, though. I plan on laying around the rest of the time.

Now, this its a major burden to me. I've only been at my job since January, so OBVIOUSLY I don't want to risk losing my job, but I also didn't want this to cause me to fall asleep at work. Kind of a catch-22 if you ask me.

I've been blessed that I even have this job. I got out of my last job at the end of December of 2011 and started this one January 2nd. A few weeks into it, I found out that my old job of 3 and a half years was closing its doors permanently. I got out just in time. I definitely believe that God was watching over me and my finances. I have also been having health issues that have caused me to miss work and end up in the hospital a few times. They've been very understanding with my situation. That I am extremely grateful for. I don't know what I would do if I worked somewhere like StarTek again. At this point, iff I didn't have fmla, I would have been fired from there. That's even after 3 and a half years. Needless to say, I'm not used to working with a company that's so caring and understanding.

I know a few weeks ago I had posted to fb that I wanted another job. In all honesty, my job rocks. it's easy and I work with some pretty cool people, even though I'm the youngest person there by a few years. Everyone is sooooo down to Earth. I also love that, unlike the Tek, I can tell people to not curse at me and I can get stern with them. Im also allowed to release the call at that point, or I can transfer to a supervisor that doesn't try and deny calls.

The only reason I was looking into a possible 2nd job is because I'm still part time. I get 30 hours a week instead of 40 plus I don't get commission like everyone else, yet I contribute to the amount of commission everyone receives. I wouldn't mind having another job that's like 15-20 hours a week. I would just need Saturdays off. If anyone has any recommendations, please feel free to comment. I'm good with Decatur, Forsyth, or Mt. Zion.

The reason I'm needing some extra cash is because in about 16 months I'm getting married. My fiance and I are looking into getting a house before we get married. We really want to be able to celebrate our relationship in the right way. We want to take the right steps to get to that point in our relationship. Unfortunately everything takes money, and that's something that is a lil difficult to come by with all the bills adulthood brings about. Now, he has a better income than me, but with today's economy, it's difficult for 2 people to live off one income. Given I DO have an income, but it really just goes to bills. I also am getting paid bimonthly again. THAT is difficult.

I guess my lovely informative blog turned into a rant!

Another thing... I want to start a vlog. I realize I've gone over and over with that topic. I have a web cam on my mini, but I'm not sure how high of resolution the video wood be. I don't believe it has flash either, so my vlog wouldn't be high quality. I want ti be able to reach a lot of people with my topics, opinions, and rants, but I'm afraid I wouldn't be taken seriously. I would love to have a camcorder for the occasion, but as you previously read, I don't have exactly spare spending money.

My other thing is coming up with topics. I would probably start with like 1 vlog a week until I get the hang of everything. I also would need to practice my editing skills. Now, what topics would YOU, my wonderful future audience, like to see me cover? I've had a few ideas, but haven't been able to elaborate beyond the topic.

That's the "assignment" for everyone that reads this. Consider yourself part of my blog team! I need blog and vlog ideas! What things would you like to see/hear me cover?

Leave a comment here, say something on FB, send me a text, etc. Your opinions matter to me!

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