Insomnia. Again. The only difference between now and ashby other time? My mind.
My thoughts are RACING like crazy. My brain just won't shut off.
Lately, my job hasn't been the best to me. I've said this numerous times, and I really do mean it : I'm blessed to have a job. I really am, considering my old employer closed down about 4 months after I left.
I could be like 300+ of my ex coworkers and not have anything but a small unemployment check to live off of. I could be in a worse spot than I am now.
The thing is, I'm stressed. I never thought I would be somewhere that could make me feel this low about myself.
I can't help it that I'm diabetic. I can't help that I was in the ER 3 times in 1 week, and 1 of those times staying the night. I've had numerous doctor visits because of certain things, and they still don't know what's wrong with me. This THEN entails MORE doctor visits and MORE missed work.
I have been told BEFORE I had no chance of being full time because of "financial" issues. I start to miss work, but followed all protocol. Doctors notes faxed and brought in, prescheduled appointments, requested time off, called my bosses numerous times a day, etc. I have too much respect than to no call no show or miss for the hell of it.
Now I'm being told I could be full time (35 hrs/week, salaried, commission), but I'm not reliable.
Ok.. FIRST! I didn't start missing until recently. There were plenty of times I had asked for a guess as to when this may happen for me. There were tons of times we had these discussions to where I was even pulled off into a desperate room and evaluated. I was even told you WISHED I could be full time because I was learning fast and had wonderful potential!
Now I'm being told it was available to me, but because I can't get my stupid health under control I'm at fault. I've also been told that I'm losing my "potential" because I'm not as "firm".
There's a difference between what I do now and my old job. I did customer service for over 3 years. This "pushy", "demanding" setting is HARD for me. I can't help it. I know people lie to me.all the time at work. Everyone has their own excuse. I just can't deal with it.
I love the people I work with. I've been able to make some new friends and learn new things.
I used to even be able to talk to the owners like nothing, but they have been kind of stand off-ish. I realize it's because of the above situation.
I take full responsibility for all that has happened. I understand my health has been an issue that I could've done certain things to minimize my problems. I'm an adult, and I know every mistake you do learn from. Life with a job/career isn't a joke.
I just want compassion. I want to know that people see that I'm trying. That I'm a human and I'm not perfect. I try way too hard to please everyone.
Really... I can't deal with this stress anymore. I thought my last job was bad... I feel worse about myself with this.
Maybe it's because I know everything is my own fault. Maybe I realize now that I screwed up.
All I can do is pray. Pray that either this will work itself out, or something better will come along.
I'm grateful that I have people to support me. Especially my fiancee. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be able to cope anymore. He's done a wonderful job at drying my tears and making my smile.
This truly is a rant. It's emotional for me to discuss or even think about. It may seem like rambling to you reading this, but there really are deeper, strong feelings to this. I'm going to end here, but, please, feel free to comment with your opinions.
Everything will work out
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